I hope I am not going to tease myself when I look back into this article in the future. I am sorry to write such pessimistic stuff but it is a way out for me.
I was stunned since suddenly, I was aware that I put myself in this situation, which I was probably completely indulged in and trapped in. Like a detective, I am trying to connect every single event to make up a reasonable story, so that I would feel a bit comfortable and not regard myself such dump and naive. Deeply believe in people, so I suppose nobody should be blamed on, even myself. I would say everything goes with the principle of this universe while unfortunately I underestimated it and made too many assumptions. Thus, I am afraid that I don't even have the right to blame on since it is the choice I made. However, I would say, I do not regret what I have done.
When I was little, I remembered that there was always something in my mind that I didn't speak out in order not to hurt my beloved family or friends. But I literally think that it is so unfair that I have no choice to be born and come to this world. I have no choice but to be born and should get through the life. I know I am lucky because I possess a lot, even though I don't think I deserve it. I am afraid I can't reward to the people who love me deeply since sometimes I really don't know how to make myself feel at ease and enjoy the so called life, which is the status they might not love to see. Therefore, I am trying to do some meditation lately since my mind is somehow out of control. I don't know if I shall have some expectation from meditation. Maybe this ambition may somehow make it run contrary. I am trying to do it daily and let's see how it goes.
These trivial memories are really beautiful but you got the more intensive feeling when you know they are gone. Hopefully I am forgetful enough, so that I could take nothing happened. Everything will go well, hopefully.
