Home with family, new year 2022 in Beitou

    It's been a while since last time I am home for the new years' holidays in Taiwan. I was so appreciated being able to be here with my family.

    Yesterday, before heading to Beitou spring resort, we had a lunch together with my sister and her husband's family. It was great to be included and talked without much pondering thoughts. It's probably good to keep diary so I don't mislead by my own thoughts. Time for me to list and organize what I have done and feel during the time I stayed in Hsinchu and home.

1) Joining beginner meditation group: enjoy the moment I am in. Movie Soul gave me a lot of inspirations and reminded me to appreciate what I have. I do need to be reminded to be content and be nice to my parents. I feel I start to get used to what I long for when I was in Sweden, forgetting being thankful.

2) Reading: books Why We Sleep, Upheaval: How Nations Cope with Crisis and Change, Smartphone Brain... (to be added). Haven't finished the list books though. There has already been couples of ideas, stories and sentences I feel quite moved.

3) Swimming regularly: I manage to swim at least 600 m without breaks - more practice required, but I think I am on my way :) At the same time I realized whatever i have been doing first of first is to keep my own pace. With this i can be able to proceed and be giving to others.

try to enjoy the single life... painting, go to exhibitions, hiking, and don't compare...

Everyone has their challenges, and do not have to be envy or jealous of someone. Get your attention back on your own and enjoy! I appreciate the coincidence meeting up with you. I guess we had fun time together, at least for me. :)

Random thoughts on Sunday morning

Waking up, as usual. This morning I browsed through some facebook posts from the writers I am following. At one moment, I was surprised and overwhelmingly delighted by the power of theirs words (sounds like I was cursed or something like that..)

I started to regret spending so much time being worried, being haunted by the guilt of my uselessness and perhaps keeping retrieving some abilities which will never belong to me. That is, focusing on these chores, little flaws, which sounds really ridiculous.  For me, reading reminds me how large and various this world is, and how insignificant I am or the things I am focusing on are. I should have sprung out of the cage I set for myself more often.

Whatś the meaning of your life. What a cliche but is still asked so often. The answer ¨ to be here¨ gave me a quite inspiration. Maybe you are just a bacteria in a petri dish. What you have confronted may be a sequence of chemical reactions or a sequence of something that is above of my understanding. So what´s the point that you confuse yourself with the phenomena that will be never understood? 

  

The irrational world

Yes, you're right... I agree with you that the world is somehow irrational...

so...

Sad to say the second time we met was totally awful. Anyway, it was an opportunity to introspect myself at the end I thought... I think we exchanged a bit about the faiths we believe in, but at that time I felt the talking was more like a competition than sharing ideas. Maybe it is because I was also aggressive then, keeping trying to deny you. No offensive and sorry because that is probably the way I feel I exist. I hope you didn't feel that uncomfortable since I didn't mean to do so.

So trying to attack a person who completely trust you, didn't expect that and I felt a large sorrow for myself after I took your perspective. I felt hopeless to my life and thought I have done everything wrong for the pass several years although you said there is no right and wrong. Now I look back the previous post I wrote, it's so ridiculous I trust you so completely. (Fuck you.)

Thankfully I have so many great people around me and they helped me to find the way out. Probably I should also be grateful I got the trigger that I can be objective to my own philosophy. Now I learned, I was trying to make everything in control, which is probably greedy and naive since the world is irrational. But at least I can focus on my own and be responsible for myself, and that know that no one is responsible for your feeling and follow the way you expect. It's already amazing you can control yourself. Give yourself a thumb up when you make it.

Love the doodle Tabea showed me in Schwerin 

before I took the train back to Aachen. 

  

隨和和主見

這一陣子經歷了好多，斷然告訴自己去嘗試過去一直很抗拒的生活方式。當然這是帶點目的性的，希望從這個改變中可以獲得些什麼。

Lately there are so many things going on, I am detemined and I pursuade myself to live the new lifestyle I have resisted long before. For sure I expect to gain something from this change.

"我不喜歡啊! 但試試吧..." 腦中總浮現這句話是不是意味著我或許太貪心，擔心錯過什麼會後悔，但人很犯賤不管做什麼決定都會後悔的是吧。除此之外還想問，難道一定要帶著恐懼和不安才能前進嗎?是不是一定要得到什麼總要先去點什麼?我習慣的方式好像是沒來由的披上所謂的"義務"，然後任命的做而沒去思考值不值得這樣做，所以常常討厭的要命還是硬著頭皮把它做完，因為相信世上的每樣東西，不論是物質或是精神，都是守恆的up and down總都會來的只是早晚問題。

"I don't like it at all! But just try then out.."


我相信好友V.是很好的人也是真誠的，我相信我的直覺啊，即使美女好友L.直接把他歸類為不可信的混蛋... 不管怎樣，我很開心能遇到能談論那麼多的人，這種輕鬆契合的感覺已經好久沒有了!但可惜時序上錯了，要怪就怪那天的氣氛真的太美好，那天情緒複雜到睡不著覺，不過開心的成分居多。但還是要罵一下，你他媽這個混帳用點腦袋好嗎? 哪有人把人抬的好高好高然後突然放手的啊?! 突然放手是怎樣? 又不是在教小朋友騎假踏車!下次拳擊Training時我要打爆你，美女好友L.說我人太好，因為這句話聽起來像開玩笑，欸我是真的可以打爆他的我覺得。

Get organized

It's been a while haven't written any thing, while the were so many events I literally want to record.

About experience:

Fusion in Berlin, intern in Fraunhofer, intensive German course, an amazing founder of organization Teach For Taiwan, daily routine with my lovely friends in this beautiful summer, meditaion, theories of Daoisum, jogging, deep talking, baking, painting, BBQ,... gonna show you through some images...


About introspection:

I realized I am an emtional person and somehow tend to affect the nice people around me. The good side is I can share my joyfulness with them when I am in a good mood, while when I couldn't deal with myself properly people might strongly influenced, which is the situation I don't want they to be in.

I was firstly realized I am emotional and bad at controll the beast living in my mind, so I tried to put it in capitivity. However, after so many times failures I realize the beast is so wild that a rigid cage couldn't confine it. Then I tried another method. This time I set it a bit free and tried to tame it once it went furious.  In the beginning I thought both of us feel more comfortable and believed that it may be the way out. But it didn't goes the way i expected. I didn't know that the beast was ruining the garden I cultivated, the sand castle I built.. so at the timing I felt shocked I have to mence the destroyed parts. Unfortunately, before I come up with some other ways for the accompany of the lovely beast I have no choice but to confine it. But trust me, my beast is also the most adorable creature in the world for me.

Now I realize to be socialized you have no choice but let sense take over your life but sensibility. But I am gald there was a time the sensibility was set free for a while so that I was taked to different place and abel to see the new landscapes!

The room for workshop in Ludwig Forum.
Feel so calm when indulging myself in it.

Can we reset please!

I am really sorry for the mistake I have done. Sadly, I am too ashamed to admit that even though I wanna do something to make up. I couldn't believe I ruined the relationship, which is the part I cherish most in my life. You are literally my close person and the built-up of the trust would never come easily. I know I deserve the torture but could someone just let me know how could I repair the trust that was given to me before. Please please forgive me. Please tell me it could still be repaired..

People are born without willingness

I hope I am not going to tease myself when I look back into this article in the future. I am sorry to write such pessimistic stuff but it is a way out for me.

I was stunned since suddenly, I was aware that I put myself in this situation, which I was probably completely indulged in and trapped in. Like a detective, I am trying to connect every single event to make up a reasonable story, so that I would feel a bit comfortable and not regard myself such dump and naive. Deeply believe in people, so I suppose nobody should be blamed on, even myself. I would say everything goes with the principle of this universe while unfortunately I underestimated it and made too many assumptions. Thus, I am afraid that I don't even have the right to blame on since it is the choice I made. However, I would say, I do not regret what I have done.

When I was little, I remembered that there was always something in my mind that I didn't speak out in order not to hurt my beloved family or friends. But I literally think that it is so unfair that I have no choice to be born and come to this world. I have no choice but to be born and should get through the life. I know I am lucky because I possess a lot, even though I don't think I deserve it. I am afraid I can't reward to the people who love me deeply since sometimes I really don't know how to make myself feel at ease and enjoy the so called life, which is the status they might not love to see. Therefore, I am trying to do some meditation lately since my mind is somehow out of control. I don't know if I shall have some expectation from meditation. Maybe this ambition may somehow make it run contrary. I am trying to do it daily and let's see how it goes.

These trivial memories are really beautiful but you got the more intensive feeling when you know they are gone. Hopefully I am forgetful enough, so that I could take nothing happened. Everything will go well, hopefully.